holding all the aces

Happy Pride! 🥳

Last year JK Rowling made some incredibly stupid comments about asexual people and it spurred me to finally share that I am one of those people. (I also made this very cool sticker inspired by her stupid quote.)

I just kind of dropped that announcement and then didn’t say much else lol. I’ve been writing some version of this post in my mind ever since then, though. I am very uncomfortable with ~sex~ and even writing a post about my lack of interest in it feels so vulnerable and uncomfy to me. But maybe it’ll help someone else have a little “a-ha!” moment and know they aren’t alone.

I first saw the term asexual when I was about 26 years old and immediately recognized myself in its definition. The spectrum is very broad, so this does not apply to everyone who is ace, but I personally: do not want to have sex, have no desire to have sex, am not interested in sex, fast forward sex scenes in movies and flip past sex scenes in books. It is not even remotely interesting to me. It feels like a boring sport that everyone is obsessed with except me.

When I was a young teenager and sex started to become a THING that everyone was talking about (or doing!!) I thought oh my god, oh no, I’m going to have to do this someday. I absolutely dreaded that inevitability. I wanted no part of it (although I’ve always pretended to among friends, because it was “normal”) and I never grew out of that feeling. I always assumed that when I eventually fell in love, I’d just have to do this gross, sweaty, wet thing with someone in order to keep them.

Luckily I didn’t fall in love and that never happened 🙃

I’ve had crushes, some incredibly intense, but the feeling is that I want to be around the person, talk to them, and cuddle (fully clothed!!) but nothing sexy. My stomach does cartwheels when they’re close and I can’t stop thinking about them. But the idea of having sex- even with the person I have a massive crush on- is a big no. 🙅🏼‍♀️

I’ve never had a boyfriend - initially because nobody asked me out in school, and eventually because I never put myself out there. I loved the idea of companionship but I was so yucked out by having to do the sex part. A few years ago I finally tried setting up a profile on OKCupid and I put in my bio that I was asexual and not interested in having sex. I got quite a few cruel messages from men who called me a freak.

Eventually I started talking to an incredibly sweet guy, but he ended up saying that it was a dealbreaker for him. I thought very hard about it. I realllllly liked him! But I decided I just couldn’t do it. That was when I knew for sure, 100%. Up until that point I thought something could possibly change if I was actually put in the position to do the deed. Nobody I liked had ever liked me back before! Now it was a real possibility, and I could almost throw up thinking about having to do it.

I do think my own aversion to sex is a mix of my asexuality and my sensory issues. I am VERY sensitive to smells and heat and wetness and I literally feel like I’m going to have a full blown panic attack when skin on my body is touching some other skin on my body. I bristle when other humans are within touching distance of me. The experience of sex seems like a sensory nightmare for me.

But it’s not just the sensory stuff, I have literally no desire to do it. Puberty came and went without any newfound urges or desires. I just never had the whim.

After that last OKCupid match, I felt the most immense sense of relief. Up until then I had still felt a low level of panic that someday, somehow, I’d end up having to do it. I still had a sense of dread about it. But now I feel so incredibly free and secure in this definition of my sexuality. While most men would consider it a dealbreaker that I won’t have sex, for me it’s a dealbreaker if they would need it from me.

Not wanting to participate in what is perhaps the most important activity in relationships definitely reduces my dating pool considerably lol. And the lack of interest in this activity also hampers my ability to relate to a lot of culture. My brain just doesn’t go there! (For example, I saw this Kacey Musgraves shirt before her new album launched and was like oh, that’s so cute! Why does it say “H” though?? Then I read up on it and knew it wasn’t the shirt for me lol)

But my cup is filled by my platonic relationships, my family and my cat. I’m very content with this life. Maybe when I’m old I’ll couple up with someone in the nursing home who doesn’t require anything physical anymore. Maybe someday I’ll find my perfect match who is also ace! Maybe I’ll grow old with my cats and live in single splendor for the rest of my days. I would be perfectly happy with any of these possibilities, equally.

And that’s my little explainer of what it means (to me at least) to be ace! The internet can be an incredibly malicious place, but I am so grateful that I found a website about asexuality in my mid-twenties, and that there is a large community of people online who have shared their own stories about this experience. Sometimes the internet makes people feel a little less alone, and I think that’s beautiful. I wish I had felt more comfortable sharing all of this a long time ago, but I’m so glad that I am finally doing it now 💜🤍🖤

xo Kate

(click here for outfit details)

ps.I wish the asexual flag was more colorful! Three out of the four stripes are grey, black, and white! Come on, lol

pps. Since I’ve had people ask me about this in the last year - I am aware of comp-het and honestly I wish it applied to me! But, at least so far, all of my romantic feelings have always been directed at men 😭☹️ If you’re not familiar with comp-het and you’re curious, it might help you figure some things out! You can click here to read more.